Christmas this year was incredibly low-key. We spent two days with family, and had a wonderful time enjoying one another. Despite the relaxed atmosphere, God faithfully used circumstances to reveal some long-standing, difficult issues in my life. How kind of Him to show me my heart, even during a season full of distractions.
Do you remember those Christmases as a child, where your best friend rode down the street on her new bike? And you sat inside looking at the pj's your grandmother made for you? I remember longing for what I did not have-jealous would be the appropriate term. During each phase of my life, I can times of intense jealousy and discontentment. During college, I was in 10 weddings (I wish I was joking); all I wanted was to be in my own. After graduating, I envied my friends who made more money than I did. All I wanted was to teach special education AND make bank.
Now that I am in the possible realm of child-bearing, I have found myself thinking, "The announcement she just made was one I really wished I could've made." This year at Christmas, my sister-in-law made THE announcement. You know, the one that makes your skin prickle from jealousy. The one that makes you cringe on the inside and fake-smile on the outside?? She is pregnant with her second baby. The moment she announced it, I immediately felt sorry for myself. Sorry for myself, not because we've had an intense struggle with infertility. Sorry for myself, not because we've even been trying to have a baby!!!! Sorry for myself because....well....plain and simple, I am discontent with my current situation and want what I do not have! And that right now is a baby. In the next season, it will probably be a bigger house, or a newer car, or nicer dishes (that is a vice of mine!!!).
After wrestling with a serious attitude, God gently reminded me that He has blessed me beyond measure during this season. I have a job that is five minutes away. I have a house that I love. I have a husband who works hard to ensure that we are never in need or want. I have the time and energy to invest in my girl friends. I have the freedom to schedule outings and not worry about getting a sitter. I have the luxury to read Harry Potter when I want for as long as I want. AND I have the pleasure of holding the kids, and then handing them back when they drive me nuts!!!! So I say, bring on "aunt-hood" as I wait for his perfect and sovereign timing.
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7 comments:
Good post, Lib. I have to admit I was jealous of you when you said you were going to enjoy catching up on reading all week!! ;) It's true, every season has it's pluses and minuses. We have to learn to be content in the NOW, so when the later come along, we can be content then too.
Oops, that was me commenting above!
Hey Libby. Wow, this posting is just what I needed to read tonight. I can relate to you so much in this season of my life. I visited my brother and his family yesterday and wanted to cry my entire ride home because in my mind, my life doesn't look anything like I want it to look right now and I'm somewhat jealous of them and their success and frustrated with God at the same time. I thought I'd be married by now, I thought I would've purchased my first home by now, I just thought I would be in a very happy place in life right now...but I'm not. So, now I just trust and believe that everything, those things that I seem to understand and those things that just don't make sense, will work our for me in God's perfect timing...difficult to accept, but nevertheless it's my(our) reality so I'm embracing it.
Libby, I think most people can relate to what you are saying and feeling. I can relate to most of what you said and now I'm struggling with my friends who are stay at home mothers. I'm envious of those who bought houses 4 years ago and can now afford to live on one salary because they spent 100k less than what I did for the same exact house! Please know that you are not alone. And if I can add that having baby envy is probably the worst of all the feelings. A week after I had a miscarriage 3 of my friends told me that they were expecting...yeah, let's talk baby envy ;) But you are right, you have so many things to be thankful for and you live a very blessed life-remember that! On that note, when the heck will I ever see you?? Miss you tons xoxo Laura
I remember SO WELL the feelings you're having about baby envy. After I had my first miscarriage, it was hard for me to even speak to God about anything else. I was consumed with it--more than you are because we WERE trying and doctors didn't have an answer. (All was normal in the factories, shall we say.) I had idolized having a baby. But when I really got hold of the verse that says "seek ye FIRST the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and then all these (other) things will be added to you"). I was in the habit of thinking of "first" as 'first on my checklist' followed quickly by all these other things (second being 'bear a child' not just get pregnant). It was a LOOOOONG process God had to take me through, and it entailed hearing 10 pregnancies announced in that first year after my loss! I hope, on the one hand, it doesn't take you as long to come to terms with your jealousies. The pain is worth it, though, no matter how ruthless God has to be with you. Well, didn't mean to make this so long, but your post went straight from the screen to my heart. I also can relate to the dish vice! I want all-white dishes, but don't need a single thing more!
Oh, it's so nice to know I'm not the only one in this season of life! God has blessed us so much, and yet, what do I do? I sit around being discontent while everyone else that got married around when I did announces they're pregnant! Funny thing is, I can already see the next season - as much as I desire to be at home with kids, it's getting harder and harder to picture stepping back from my old people. Perhaps God wants to fix the heart issue instead of changing the season!
Libby - Thank you so much for this post! I was greatly blessed by your sincerity and openness. Although you've been married longer than I have, I have found myself in this same mindset many times, and it is hard! I definitely want to be content where the Lord has me, so that I appreciate all the stages He has me in. I will be praying for you, and look forward to seeing how God uses this season in our lives!
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