As a new wife, subconsciously I expected to be transformed into Superwoman, or some other godess with superhuman powers. I realized this as I find myself..well...here are some examples of what I mean:
Miguel and Libby in the kitchen preparing to hang out with Lyd and Eric. Miguel wants to make the green stuff. Libby's response, "Miguel you can't make the dessert; that's my job!"
Miguel and Libby after work. Libby realizes the bathroom is dirty. Miguel offers to clean it and it happens again. "Thank you love, but that is my job. I'll do it."
My wonderful husband consistently offers to do things for me, such as make dinner, or make his own lunch. My quick response is always, "babe, that's my job." To which he protests that those things are NOT my job and that I am robbing him of the ability to serve and bless me.
HELP! Are these things, such as making lunches, and preparing the "green stuff" for get togethers really MY JOB? Or are they duties that are ok to relinquish to him? I think the Proverbs 31 woman is so ingrained in me that I am confused as to what is my job and what is ok to let Miguel do. I try to be perfect at this new role and am left with feelings of failure and confusion. Any thoughts and advice to this new and confused wife would be wonderful!
6 comments:
Ah, I've struggled with this very thing, and we even talked about it in our accountability group (in regards to husbands making their own lunches and us as women feeling guilty if we let them and that it's "our job!").
Consider the season of life that you're both in and the giftings you have. You both have full-time jobs and yours actually requires work and planning even at home. Miguel gets home a lot earlier than you. It might mean that in this season he'll do more house stuff than you. When Josh used to get home at 3 pm and I at 6 pm he started dinner most nights and that was a huge blessing to us both! It was a joy for him to do that for me. This will change when I'm not working outside of the home.
Also, sometimes giftings might help determine our roles or "jobs." I've known some wonderful Christian families where the husband did all the house cleaning and grocery shopping because they liked/were good at it. The wives weren't sitting at home though doing nothing. Some of them had 7 kids and were homeschooling, it was just a way they organized thier home and to me (I remember being so impressed with these husbands) it was a beautiful example of working together.
Ultimately, I think if we as wives appreciate our husbands expressing their love for us in this way, embrace it! Accept it with a grateful heart.
Lib,
I'm so glad you have a blog! Welcome to the party!
Girlfriend, if your husband is offering to make his own lunch, dinner and help w/ preparing for company, take him up on it! My goodness, have you lost your mind?
You'll both figure it out in good time. Sounds cliche, but it's true. One thing that is most helpful to remember is that in working out this submission/ wifely role thing, it requires walking in the Spirit just like everything else in our lives. What will be an act of submission for you and living out your "wifely role" for you may not be an issue in another's household. I think we can take cues from one another, but remember that you and Miguel are unique individuals and you are going to establish a unique home. Go with the principles over trying to mimic the exact practices of others. (GOOD blog entry by laurie on this one).
Would love to get together while you have off; give me a call.
This is Robin, Danielle's friend. I struggled with the opposite recently. My husband got more responsibility at work and let everything at home take a back seat. I started to resent this a bit, so I was quick to ask people for their thoughts. It's good you are too! I'll share some advice I got that might help you too...Recently, (just this week)an older and wiser friend advised me to (and I thought this sounded childish at first) list the chores that we have and what we expected each other to do, discuss the realities of actually doing them, agree on who's really going to be doing what, and finally revisit our expectations as jobs, children, life, etc. throws us new balls to juggle. This actually went really well for us because he didn't know what I expected of him and I didn't know what he expected of me. He's much more relaxed than I am! In areas I thought that he would think "what a terrible wife I have" if I didn't let's say, clean the bathroom, he really doesn't even notice. I notice! So, having this discussion I think helped us to know our "roles" in our house as we expect them to be. That kind of thing might help you determine what things are very important to Miguel and what things are very important to you, so that you're happy together in your relationship, which is really the bottom line. So far, we've made up certain nights where we share chores, like he does dishes on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I'll let you know how that goes :) Oh, one more thing, I make dinner every night, but every other Friday, he makes dinner for me. He enjoys it-a lot- and I like the break too!
Libby,
I am really encouraged by both of you! This is a good problem to have! I'm encouraged by Miguel's willingness to clean and cook (considering he moved out of a mostly guy household) and by you in your desire to do all the "wifely" things when you could be making excuses ("I work, too, ya know") or taking him for granted.
I would agree w/ the gals above. Practically speaking, Miguel is probably hungry and ready to start dinner when you're coming home. Cleaning the bathroom? I've trained my sons as well as my daughter and expect that my daughters-in-law will appreciate their service in that department some day. I've also taught them all to cook. Little did I know that I'd be so dependent on them when I was laid up for 5 weeks postpartum. They were so competent!
There may come a day when your schedules are such that you WILL have the time to do most of the cleaning and cooking. But do not rob your husband of blessing you! Do not train him by your responses to think, "She doesn't want my help." It could send the message that 1) you , Libby, think you do it better (maybe you do) or that 2) you are Superwoman (he already knows that or he wouldn't have married you; he'll find out soon enough like Paul did about me--hahahahaaha)and so is he NOT Superman?
Some people believe that only the husband should keep the books; I believe whoever is more capable should, but if it becomes a burden, the other one should attempt to help. My husband was a janitor to put himself through his first year of college; he is, by far, more efficient at cleaning than I am, but we go about it differently. He's good at making it LOOK clean (putting things away) and I come along with the rags and cleansers, vacuums and brooms. I think it's a very practical expression of gift-complementing. My kids' giftedness complements each others', too; Sarah is quite the tidy-upper; Ben is a thorough cleaner; Stephen is a pleasant go-fer. Joel....well, he keeps us in practice at all the above.
Keep asking those GREAT questions, my friend! Would that all young brides and grooms were as compelled to serve each other!!!! Praise the Lord!
Hi libby. Just stopping in to say I'm glad you're blogging. I won't leave any counsel since it looks like you've received plenty!!! :)
wow. thanks for being so humble and willing to recieve from so many. I love picturing you and Miguel in our old house! I'm sure that God is going to use your husband to lead your family. Just make sure you trust that God will use him and that you desire to follow.
p.s. LET HIM HELP!!!!! :) ;) he wouldn't ask if he didn't want to.
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